A Diary

I like the idea of a diary. Of leaving an imprint of my precious thoughts behind. A mental image of myself on the interweb.

I am being torn between two equally strong emotions. Or perhaps, rather, a strong emotion of what I feel like doing, as opposed to what I know I need to be doing. I love my girlfriend. I have strong feelings for her, emotions born out of investment and a close physical relationship, of her unending love for me and my care for her, she being the cuddly little creature that she is.

But that life is simple. It's boring. I am bored of it, of the safety and sureness and the lack of drive and desire to improve. It's not that there is something wrong with her - which makes the whole matter so much more hard to deal with - on the contrary, she is so loving, and so caring, and so devoted. No, it's the very fact of having a steady relationship. It's not stimulating my imagination, it's not pushing me forward in my chosen lifestyle of self-improvement.

It leeches away precious time from me, time I could be doing useful, productive things, or be with my friends, who are closer than brothers to me. My brethren in spirit. It is practically time wasted, though it's somewhat strange to look at it that way.

These are the moments of love and comfort and passionate intimacy, those which can only be shared with a girlfriend like her.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

I will know this program had worked if:

What is the goal? To never run out of topics for discussion or lose the touch of interest while in conversation with another. To have women approach me, be interested in me, touch me and want me to keep them company. They will be both aroused and fascinated by my touch, my gaze and the words I speak. I will be highly social, but not weird or eccentric, the kind of guy everybody wants to be around, who's fun and cool and smart and goodhearted. Is it about validation? Maybe, but I believe that what I'm doing, I'm doing for myself. My self-improvement, my value, my self-worth. Living it right, and living it fully. I will be able at will to find common language and close-minded rapport with most people. not by trickery or manipulation, but by being truthful with my words, being generous and kind-hearted, truly offering people a part of myself without expecting anything in return, but also without hampering my own value and worth. Not disrespecting myself, and knowing how to put clear borders on what I willing to offer others, and also what I'm willing to take from others.

I will gain respect from the people I will interact with. I will be in full control and conscious awareness of how I speak to people and what do people really mean by what they say to me, women or men, and I'll be able to skillfully convey a full range of emotions when I speak.

I will gain confidence. Full,, undisputed confidence. I will not be scared easily by no one, and I will be able to act normally even if I am afraid. I will not be subjugated by feelings of fear. I will always walk tall and with a broad smile, approaching anyone at will, regarding people around me as being my friends and worthy of respect, and yet denying them that respect if need be, and standing my own ground before anyone.

My self worth will rise immensely. I will value myself above all people. The 10 thinks he's a nine, while the 9 thinks he's a ten. That is why I will not become an egomaniac, and I will learn what I can from the good qualities of all people, and yet I will have full trust in my judgment and opinions, and will never hesitate to lead the way. I will lead the way in all I do, and give others the opportunity to do so as well. I will care and attend to my body and looks, develop a great sense of fashion and personal style and so better express myself. I will know that I look good, smell good, feel good to myself and my surroundings. I will not seek the validation of others in any aspect of my character - my own well thought-out opinion of myself will be more than enough. That includes my friends, my family, anyone. My path is, ultimately, solitary, and so I will rely on myself in everything. The value of independence.

I've been asked by guru not to speak generally, but I feel I had gone into enough detail by now. The end goal goal is social mastery. An attractive, alpha personality, being friendly and polite and humorous and funny and angry and sympathetic and all in the right amount and in the right timing. Not to answer others' expectations, but to meet my own.